Philosophical Truths

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." Stephen Wright

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Tim Steeves

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Rich Jeni

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Emo Philips

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" Emo Philips

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." Kevin James

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Emo Philips

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Rich Jeni