Dot Com Doom

Here are 25 other signals -- not intended to promote haphazard job-hopping, of course -- that your Net company may be the next to get Old Yeller-ed, sold for a pittance, or merged with another equally hopeless dot-com.

1. Your celebrity spokesperson has gone back to making infomercials.

2. Company's biggest source of revenue is the Coke machine in the lunchroom.

3. Cardboard Chewbacca cutout in programmers' area is reading the Help Wanteds.

4. Longtime business partners at cocktail parties now pretending they don't recognize you.

5. Patent applications come back from Washington stamped ''No duh.''

6. Little plastic foosball guys have asked to be traded to teams with higher morale, better prospects.

7. New business cards now come in boxes of 12.

8. CEO is selling his desk blotter on eBay.

9. Latest desperate ploy to attract visitors to Web site: nude warehouse cam.

10. Stock options are under so much water they can look up and see the Kursk.

11. Constant server outages blamed on hamsters' lack of endurance.

12. The good news: Your cubicle gets bigger after most recent round of layoffs. The not-so-good news: You're now doing the jobs of nine other people.

13. Receptionist answers the phone, ''Hello, are you calling about the liquidation sale?''

14. Comptroller singles you out for using too much cream cheese at Friday bagel breakfast.

15. This month's team-building event: robbing a convenience store.

16. Venture capitalists decline to participate in your next round of financing, explaining, ''We feel our returns will be better with scratch tickets.''

17. The founders are off site today doing a photo shoot for Failure Magazine.

18. VP of product development abruptly announces, ''OK, guys, it's time to start developing a product.''

19. Company's burn rate makes the Hindenburg look like a minor grease fire.

20. At board meeting, chief operating officer suggests profitability might be attained by responding to more chain e-mails.

21. Business model still being ''iterated'' after three years of operations.

22. Your employer is featured in Money Magazine article on ''Ten Stocks To Buy If You Don't Really Care About Retiring.''

23. TV spots that used to air during the Super Bowl now air during 3 a.m. showings of ''Barney Miller.''

24. Recipients of company's friends-and-family shares can no longer be counted as friends or family.

25. Asked when your IPO might be rescheduled, investment bankers reply, ''How does never work for you?''