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If
Dear Abby Was a Man
Dear
Abner:
My boyfriend still has feelings for his old girl friends. I'm afraid
he will not be faithful. "Worried."
Dear Worried:
A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase
with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women,
your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to
do is to buy your boyfriend a Ranger bass boat and cook him a nice
meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Dear Abner:
My fiancee has too many nights out with "the boys." "Alone."
Dear
Alone:
This is perfectly natural behavior and should be encouraged. The
man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.
Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful
affair for your partner. Just look back at
how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable
home. Best thing to do is to buy your fiancee a new hunting rifle
and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My husband wants to experience menage-a-trois with me and my sister.
This seems wrong; what should I do? "Monogamous."
Dear Mono:
Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of
you. So he goes for the next best thing: your sister. Far from being
an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get
some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him
have a go with your relatives, buy him a Rolex watch and cook him
a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My fiancee goes straight to sleep after making love. We have no
time to talk. "Talkless in Tacoma."
Dear Talkless:
Sexual intercourse is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards
he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work
he puts into his lovemaking and the more rest he needs. Stop putting
pressure on him; buy your fiancee a new Calloway Driver and cook
him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last sixty seconds. "Minute Man's Wife."
Dear Minute's:
Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that
he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the
more he loves you. Return this love by buying a full set of Sears
Craftsman power tools and cooking him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My boyfriend is uninterested in foreplay; help. "Wham-Bam-Thank-you-Ma'am."
Dear Wham:
Foreplay, to a man, is very hurtful. What it means is that you do
not love him as much as he loves you. You should be as ready as
he is for lovemaking. Why must he work at getting you "in the
mood" if you are truly devoted? Abandon this old wives' tale. Make it up to your boyfriend by buying him the biggest chain
saw on the market and cooking him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My fiancee has never given me an orgasm. "Frustrated."
Dear Frustrated:
The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating
feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again
to your fiancee and show your love to him by buying a Harley-Davidson
Sportster...and cook him a nice meal.
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