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Andy
Rooney
1.
Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars
on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
3.
Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our
wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get
that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
4.
Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the
morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near
our optic nerve.
5.
Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It
costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey,
I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably
calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use
words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it.
You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
7.
Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,
'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that
way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got
that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
8.
Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on
someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out
enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share
the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking
of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
9.
Andy Rooney on Research:
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast
implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease
research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number
of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who
can't remember what to do with them.
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